On struggling with body dysmorphia and practicing starvation:
I would like to acknowledge and apologise for some of the things I wrote and spoke about over the past couple of years. I genuinely thought that I was doing the right thing for my health and wellness. I now know that I was completely in the depths of body dysmorphia and it really worries me that I was not a positive role model out there.
For the record, I never did lie about what I ate. I always was truthful. But the amounts I ate were never enough. The part that gets me though is that I truly thought they were. When I claimed that I ate loads, I thought that I did. I would fill up on foods that were low calorie, and think that I was eating a healthy balanced diet. I was extremely active, sometimes training 2-3 hours a day, and thought that that made me fit. But if someone offered me a piece of fruit to eat, I would become so anxious and fearful at the thought of having to eat it (something unplanned) that I would nearly be sick with worry. And I couldn’t calm down my anxiety until I had completed my training for the day. If I had a 5am call time, I would be in the gym at 3:30am. If my flight landed at 8pm, I would be in the gym at 9pm.
I am trying to temper my true passion for health and fitness with balance and meaning. I would eat such an extreme diet, and train so hard because I would look in the mirror and see someone who needed to lose weight looking back at me. I saw excess weight that needed to come off. When I would give interviews and discuss my eating habits I truly believed that eating predominately vegetables and protein shakes was ok. Obviously this is not ok. I am sorry for being so public about damaging eating habits.
Body dysmorphia is a terrifying thing. I have had countless conversations with fellow models, all of whom are tiny, where they call themselves fat. It is such a hard thing to understand if you are removed from this – weight and size should be objective. Either you fit the clothes, or you don’t. But when it becomes a mental game like this, it grows wings of its own. When I made the decision to start eating again, I really struggled with dysmorphia. Because this time I really was gaining weight. Nothing crazy – I threw away a few old pairs of jeans, but I am not built to be too curvy. But it was enough to give those head demons a microphone, especially since I had taken away the self soothing method I used to employ (starvation).
… says Bridget.